I understand Curling. That high.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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