I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
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We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
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I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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