I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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