Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
No subtext here. People are naked.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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