I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
