this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize