i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize