Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
