They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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