Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
