When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
