are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
