You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
