it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
