Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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