I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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