I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
