I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
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I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
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Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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