I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
