you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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