Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
