an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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