i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
There's always time for handjobs
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
