In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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