Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
