My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
its not stalking. its research.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
smell my finger.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
