I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
