I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
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a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
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You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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