just tell him i said nine months
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
