This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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