I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
