"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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