I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
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My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
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my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard