So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???