just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again