So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
and she was petting her beer can
Life is so much better after having sex.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
