I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
