It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
