you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
