my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize