woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Holy shit dude........stairs
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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