1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
being pregnant is like rehab
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
