im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
