Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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