you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
