You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
