I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
