he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
