Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
