If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
