Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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