I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
