why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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