He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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