I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
