if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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